I had a fun trip recently. We went out for my spouse’s birthday with her family. It was to a remote location where we have to pre-order food and I didn’t have enough executive function to give individual orders.

They didn’t really have any of my safefoods either.

Her mother had visited for over a week and it was amazing, they get along great had tons of fun. I enjoyed participating with them and getting to know each other. I thought this was a very positive and enriching experience for all of us and I’m truly happy my spouse could enjoy it.

It also left me pretty disoriented and it’s the first time in years that I haven’t had my regular breakfast, lunch or dinner at the right time or place. Also the foods were different everyday.

I always knew I preferred to eat the same few things everyday but this was the first time I’d gone a week without being able to do that. It was interesting how my mind responded.

Also it’s worth saying to complicate all this, I was on an asthma medication that makes you feel more hungry, in an intense way that I don’t usually feel without it.

What happened?

I was never quite sure whether I was hungry or full. I felt both together if I think about it. The fact that we’d gone to a really quiet place that was far far more sensory friendly than usual really helped offset most of this though.

After we came back and got to the regular sensory torment of a big Indian city things kept getting worse in a way so subtle I didn’t really realise it until days later.

I often overate and sometimes ate too little though it’s hard to be sure whether I did that or not.

What was certain is that all foods were unsatisfying and one of the important stims of the day was unavailable. I didn’t even know before this how big a deal safefoods were.

As is often the case, the discomfort from food got mixed with other discomforts and was hard to tell apart from the rest.

How to fix it

What really helped is when I logged off work a little early, got several hours to myself to enjoy it however I wanted alone and then had some time to sit and just think about what I’m feeling.

I couldn’t do that last part effectively without the first two.

What I realised is that not only was I not aware of being hungry or not, but every time I had a flash of awareness of what’s making me uncomfortable, like my beard having overgrown or being sweaty I would immediately push it out of my mind reflexively.

I was trying not to think about things that were making me uncomfortable. Without even realising this is what I was doing.

Mostly I think it’s because I just didn’t want to be uncomfortable. I wanted to have a good time with my spouse and her family. I was masking hard despite intentionally trying to unmask and this continued even after there was no need to do it (when I was by myself).

A bit of self talk on this, saying that it’s ok to be uncomfortable, I want to know what things are doing it and I’m going to fix each of them as I notice and this is the time I have allocated for it.

I shaved, showered, planned to get some exercise in the morning and changed my clothes. I felt a whole lot better.

Then I went back to enjoying myself by reading a book.

Taking time for yourself has to be a conscious choice that we make, it would be good to schedule chill time to do this so I could check in more regularly.